Dear Ms K

My boss and my direct reportee are sleeping together and I was made aware of this situation only recently. I do feel cheated as this in my diary is very much unprofessional. On reflection of the past few months I could quote a lot of incidences where my asshole boss treated me totally unfairly! Do you think women do this to jump the ladder? What should I do?

Yours,
Sandwiched

Dear Sandwiched,

My stance on boss-sleeping-with-subordinates and Brazilian waxes is the same: ain’t nobody got time fo’ that.

I’d like nothing better than to smack your reportee and your boss with a healthy dose of work etiquette, but I’m practising shambhala this month and will have to pass. If reading Rebecca Schuman has taught me a thing or two, it’s that dating your direct or indirect reportee is not a personal indiscretion; rather, it’s professional abuse.

These relationships abuse power, affect the dynamics of work and exploit the act of mentorship. I’m reduced to deduce that both these individuals are neither serious about their careers nor are they real professionals. On behalf of all the people who have been affected by this “consenting adults’ heart wants what it wants” crap, my deepest condolences.

I can understand that your professional life may seem like a mess right now, but try to get some perspective. Take my life for example: I haven’t been able to sleep for two days courtesy of two baby lizards in my room. I am literally sleeping like a mummy, with the comforter wrapped around my entire face. Breathing woes aside, WHAT IF THEY TRAVEL INTO MY NOSTRILS? Google isn’t helping, having supplied information about people who put lizards into their mouths. If that imagery doesn’t make you lose your will to live, you’re made of stone. But I digress.

Representational Image. Reuters

It would be unfair to generalise and say “women do this to get a promotion.” As a proud asocial woman who relies completely on Twitter to find her soul mate, reducing the choice pool to my managers would be an insult to my ambition and work ethic. Men, women, and the third gender can resort to sleeping with their reportees/bosses under the guise of “true love”. To all those “true lovers”, I want to say, this is not Woodstock. Take your Valentine’s Day outside of the office, and by outside of the office, I mean quit.

Your male boss (hetrosexism tells me that your boss is a male because otherwise, we’d be dealing with a “DYKE BOSS TRIES TO SPREAD THE GAY!” query) should be held equally responsible. If either one of them were serious about each other, they’d not risk their future and complicate everybody’s lives. You must consult your HR about this situation and if push comes to shove, confront your reportee too. You need to warn her that reporting this can have adverse consequences given the nature of the relationship.

Of course, your HR may be a lalala-hemp-smoking evangelist who renders your query inconsequential. I’ve known of a number of cases where the complainant has found himself/herself of being accused of concocting the allegation. Also, the confrontation with your colleagues may lead to them admitting that their relationship is not a concern since neither of them works directly with each other. In the actuality of any of these scenarios panning out, please give Naukri.com some money and find yourself a new job. And don’t forget to do a lifelong katti with them both.

As my new friend, I implore you to find solace in the fact that on a fateful day, one of them’s going to give the other an STD. Hashtag-can’t-reveal-my-source-but-true-story.

Love,

Ms K

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